Chronicles of Hairnia

Enough of the serious stuff. Let’s get down to what you really come here to read about – my hair.

Karen and my hair dresser and a bunch of other people have suggested using a blow dryer and round brush to transform the mullet-ness of the layers. I cackle.

Me wielding a round brush and blow dryer to shape my hair would be as effectual as someone handing me a sword and asking me to defend my family from the invading Visigoths. My hairs, like my family members, would all lie down in a pathetic, defeated lump. Dead. All dead. No life remaining.

However, thanks to the help of Karli (a real, outfit-wearing, hair-fixing, girl-type person), loads of styling ‘product’ and a lady I don’t know who works at the local self-storage/shipping place, I think we have the mullet under control. It doesn’t even look that bad.

Walking into her little store, I asked the lady, “You are a stranger so you don’t have to be nice. Tell me honestly, does my hair look like a mullet to you?” She laughed and said, “No.”

“Seriously,” I said. “I know it’s not a full-blown mullet, but don’t you think it’s a little bit over the edge towards the mullet side of the hair spectrum? I promise I won’t get mad.”

She examined my hair and concluded that all I needed to do was to curl it with a big-barreled curling iron. Sounded easy enough.

Karli was more ambitious. She came over with root lifter, spray gel, a round brush and blow dryer. When she was done, it looked pretty good.

I did not wash said hair for fully 48 hours, afraid that it would combust into an incendiary display of mulletude upon air-drying.

Yesterday morning I got brave and decided to try it myself, take an actual shower, and do a cross between Karli’s wizardry and shop-lady’s suggestion. I applied the product to my roots. I blew it dry with my head hanging upside down.

Then came the part where I was going to curl it. This was easier said than done since every piece of hair on my head is now a different length than the ones next to it.

Laylee: What are you doing?
Me: Curling my hair.
Laylee: Are you curling your hair?
Me: Yep. Not very well.
Laylee: You’re curling your hair?
Me: Yep.
Laylee: You’re not doing a very good job.
Me: Thanks.

But it ended up looking good and now I’m embarrassed to post the pictures because they don’t look like a mullet at all.

The front view:


The back:


The side:


The highlights:


The good news for you mullet-hungry readers out there is that I will not be willing to spend 40 MINUTES EVERY DAY to achieve this look, so next time I get out of the shower and let it air dry, I will take a picture for you too.

After a windy trip to the park, the giant natural blow-dryer had transformed it a bit and I liked it even more. I’m now considering installing a wind-tunnel in the master bathroom.


If I pulled it up, I looked a bit like that weird hair lady from Cold Case (never seen the show due to irrational fear of weird hair).
cold hair2hair8
So what is my point exactly, besides none whatsoever?

There is a Mullet-O-Spectral Scale against which all hair can be judged. My hair cannot truly be defined as a mullet but it definitely falls closer to the Mullatial end of the spectrum than I am comfortable with. Here’s a rough sketch of the scale as I see it:

Mullet Scale

I hope that clears things up for you. Basically, as my hair gets shorter or less uniform in length, I freak.

And, if all else fails, I wear a hat!

I promise never to post that many pictures of myself ever ever again.

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