Deet Lips are Not for Kissing

A couple of nights ago, my mom put her arm around me and said quietly, “The pool is perfect. There’s a romantic full moon out and I’m going to bed now with my blinds shut and my door closed. Goodnii-iight.”

“Hm,” says I. “Who am I to argue with a parentally endorsed late night swimming smooch-fest? This must be pursued… if Dan would care to participate.”

IF… ha ha ha.

So I strut past my fine and lovely computer-hacking husband in my super-hot $15 Wal-Merto bathing suit with a raise of the eyebrows that can only mean one thing:

“Care to join me for a mysterious and enchanted evening of mystery and mysterious romance where we pretend that we’ve just met poolside at an exotic resort, that we do not spend our days reminding midgets to say please, our evenings pretending to like mushrooms as not to turn the midgets into picky eaters and our nights typing side-by-side on our laptops or sleeping and that you haven’t watched me give birth to 2 children, one the size of a smallish adult manatee?”

You know the eyebrow raise I’m talking about, right ladies? Word.

So, I lounge by the side of the pool, tossing my hair from side to side and trying to decide which is my “good leg.” Should I cross right over left or left over right? I look up at the enchanted moon when, WHAT THE FLYING HECK??!!

That’s right, a piece of flying heck had attached itself to my arm and was sucking the blood from my body — and he’d brought friends. I was suddenly in a swarm. I made a very unladylike leap into the water just as Dan came out to join me, all be-swimming-trunked and manly.

So he didn’t get to see me lounging in the moonlight. Ah well. At least we could go for a romantic swim… except OUCH! I was itching all over. I had several bites all over my body and the mosquitoes were still flying around my head trying to attack. Every time Dan would come near, I’d flail my arm up to fight off another blood-sucking insurgent.

I got out of the pool, retrieved the Deep Woods Mega Deet spray and covered both our heads with it, paying close attention to my face. Too close.

lipsDo you know what happens when you kiss someone with deet on your lips? Deet gets on their lips and seeps into their mouth so that each time they kiss you, they pull away in disgust and spit spastically into the pool. The kissing somehow activates the deet, making your lips go numb and possibly swell up to Angelina-like proportions. You fear death is imminent, so you then rethink your plans for the evening.

Dan: You up for eating some more mushrooms?
Me: Please?
Dan: Oh yeah, sorry. Please.
Me: Sounds good. [SMACK] AAAH!! They’re eating me alive!
Dan: You know how much I LOVE mushrooms!
Me: I can’t feel my lips.
Dan: I’ll get the laptops.
Me: Okay, don’t forget the extra pillow for under my knees.
Dan: Please?
Me: Oh yeah, sorry. Please.

This entry was posted in he's so fine he blows my mind, Love and Marriage, near-death. Bookmark the permalink.

50 Responses to Deet Lips are Not for Kissing

  1. Addie says:

    Oh, my! All the visuals were just too much for me! You crack me up! Especially, the image of you trying to determine your “good leg”!

    DYM, you make my day! 🙂

  2. meredith says:

    Too bad for mosquitofull romance, but thanks for the laughs.

  3. Jeana says:

    Kathryn, you have just upped the hilarious bar. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Some of my favorite parts: the smallish adult manatee, the piece of flying heck, the good leg and Angelina-like proportions.

    You know the first time I read what your mom said I thought she was off to her own romantic encounter with the blinds closed, etc. Now after reading the rest I think my first impression was right.

  4. Heth says:

    “a piece of flying heck”

    Seriously.

  5. Lynn says:

    I’m sorry your night didn’t turned out as planned, but thanks for the laugh!

  6. Allie says:

    I’ve been lurking your site for a while. I enjoy your blog.

    This post was so funny that I had to come out and let you know… you’re hilarious. :0

  7. I know the “look,” but I couldn’t have described it that well. Very, very funny. The “forget you’ve seen me give birth…” is the best part. I’ve often wondered if the shared manatee experience gets rid of our inhibitions or just our pride, but I think it really just puts a new twist on the romance. Kinda like deet.

  8. Naddin J says:

    Your mom is so cute. It’s kind of funny to think of your own mother endorsing marital naughtiness, but I guess that’s how we all got here, right?

    Obviously exotic poolside romances with “strangers” always look better on TV. Hope the DEET worked its way out.

  9. helloheather says:

    First time commenting… I just found your blog about a week ago, and I am getting an absolute kick out of reading! Despite the fact that neither of OUR moms are that cool, I can perfectly imagine the rest of this scenario happening to me and my husband. Thanks for writing it!

  10. sungoddess says:

    This was hilarious!!! Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

  11. owlhaven says:

    What a cute mom you have!

    This was really funny.

    Mary, mom to many

  12. Grammy says:

    I swear! When I went to take the dog out, it was gorgeous out there. Not a speck of flying heck in sight. How long did it take you to get into that swimsuit, anyway?

  13. jessica says:

    Okay, that was too funny for this early in the morning! Your mom is so adorable!! Kudos to her for “pushing” you out the door. Way to go, Grammy! Sorry things didn’t go so smoothly after that (but lucky for us it was hilarious). Hope you and Dan enjoyed your dueling laptop session as much as the promise of an exotic poolside rendevous!

  14. Heidi says:

    Oy. You had me scratching even before I got to the Angelina lips. I got swarmed by mosquitos the size of B-52s (and I don’t mean the band) in Louisiana once. I was told, “Oh, that NEVER happens here!” Yeah, right. Not so coincidentally, this is the same place that offered up red ants in mighty abundance. I should have read the “How to Keep Northerners Outta Out State” pamphlet…

  15. Kristen says:

    ROFL!! Oh, I could not have asked for a better Friday morning laugh! I’m picturing the whole scene in my head and it is too funny for words!! Wow. Must wipe the tears from my eyes now!

  16. HLH says:

    next time find the citranella candle, it may even add to the ambiance.

    Ah, but then we would all be lacking our morning laugh.

  17. Karen says:

    Too funny. You kill me.

  18. Angela says:

    I wonder if Angelina uses Deet.

    Trying to decide which was your good leg made me wake up my poor sleeping babe. That imagery was too funny.

    Marital Naughtiness is also hilarious (Naddin j)

  19. californiazenmom says:

    Busting up laughing here!!!

    We once lived in an apartment building with a balcony overlooking the inner courtyard & hot tub. People didn’t realize that their quiet, intimate hot tub conversations echoed through the courtyard in orchestral sound quality! We heard WAY more than we ever wanted. But the first (and only) time that DH & I ventured into the hot tub (to relax in complete SILENCE!), we were bitten all over our legs by some sort of foul water bugs!!

    BTW: When are you coming back to non-mosquitoville?

  20. Nantie Meg says:

    I love you!!! And I miss you!!

    I’ve actually had an experiance like that, not so much with the romantical pool smooching, but more with more of an arboreal ambiance, and the large pieces of flying heck. The deet, spitting and Angelina-esque lips ensued. I would never have been able to put it as eloquently as you though!!

  21. Bobita says:

    LAUGHING.HYSTERICALLY.

    WIPING.TEARS.FROM.EYES.

    As I imagine your arms flailing about wildly and your hubby spitting frantically into the pool…I am so amused that I might have a grin on my face for days to come!!

    (I laugh also in remembrance of comedy-ridden not-so-romantic almost-make-out sessions with my own beloved!)

  22. Amy A. says:

    You so funny!

  23. Oh, man…your “good leg”…laughing hysterically…

  24. Stephanie says:

    You’re so weird.

    But I like you.

  25. You get funnier everyday! Ha Ha Ha! can’t stop laughing.

  26. Mama Darlin' says:

    Seriously, I almost peed my pants…ROFL!

  27. Chilihead2 says:

    Love you guys. That’s hilarious. We’ve tried the same thing (impromptu romantic interlude in a possibly inappropriate place, but who’s to say?) and ended up back inside with him watching Sports Center and me blogging. 😉 My sympathies, dear, and I hope the mushrooms were at least deep-fried and dipped in ranch dressing.

  28. HolyMama! says:

    ‘my good leg’ HA!!!

  29. Ah–young love!

    You crack me up–I’m surprised there isn’t a deet free product just for lips! Mushroom flavored deet? What about grape? Strawberry? Geesh!

    Diane

  30. p.s. I’ve heard of muskrat love–never mosquito-love!~

  31. What a great post! You’ve got the gift to tell a story–thanks for sharing it with the rest of us.

  32. bon says:

    Weeping with laughter, But how VERY NOT FAIR! These married moments are so few and way too far between… deet it all to flying heck anyway!

  33. Caryn says:

    LOL! Sorry that your romantic evening was ruined, though I’m glad you’re able to laugh about it.

  34. appleseed says:

    I can always count on you for a good snort (or three)! DEET lips are awful.. like red wide mouth…yucko!

  35. "M" says:

    TOO FUNNY!!!

    Melissa

  36. Mary Tsao says:

    So funny! I hope somebody besides a mosquito got lucky! 😉 Your mom sounds like a great person.

  37. JD says:

    Funny funny funny!! I hate those pesky little booggers.

  38. Peach says:

    Hilarious — once again!! Sure glad I wasn’t drinking anything.

    I guess a dual shower would have solved the buggy/deet problem well and restored the ambiance

  39. Gabriela says:

    So funny DYM. I could picture the entire thing.

  40. Stephanie says:

    Where are the movie producers and the special effects people when we need them? It is never like the movies.

    LOVE your “romantic” escapade!

  41. Lei says:

    Lol, I am sorry your ideal evening became so real. 🙁

  42. Tess says:

    sorry, but I think I may have laughed more at this post than the “if you’re happy and you know it”, and I didn’t think that much laughter was legal

  43. yuka says:

    Kathryn,

    After reading this post, I think it is time for you to start writing something to publish- a short story, a novel- but you have real talent and I want to see it in print!

  44. That is a fabulous post. Thanks for bringing me into the romance of it all! 🙂

  45. emlouisa says:

    May I say I am happy to know that I am not the only one who sits with her hacker dh and does computer stuff? So nice.

    Thanks for sharing. Greg and I had a great laugh about it. (at your expense)

  46. Mocha says:

    *making note to self
    *hoping hubby will join me for some late night smooching
    *praying that he says, “Yes” when I make my offer

  47. Robin says:

    As usual I can’t remember how I came by your site. Maybe Shannon? Anyway, I’m glad I did. Too funny. My hubby and I were supposed to have a romantic date night tonight and then I busted my lip pretty hard on Sunday. It’s still scabbed over and T won’t some near me! Meanie.

  48. aww…you can really use some romance and flirting sometime when you know you need it. when i chat on webdate it’s all about flirting and making yourself all glammed up for the guy.

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