Get Me a Rubber Bag

Some bugs will be “sleeping” well tonight.

Seeing as we live in the land of cows, sailboats and gigantic soul-sucking slugs, it is not surprising that the grass to creepy-crawly ratio in our back yard is about 6.9 to 1. That is 6.9 bugs, slugs or indescribably weird mobile mutant mucus logs per 1 blade of grass.

They can be classified into 3 major groups:

1. Spiders — anything with more legs than Magoo. This number is fuzzy. He moves at a speed which makes the counting of limbs impractical, if not downright dangerous.

2. Bees — anything that flies and is not a dragonfly or butterfly. Dragonflies and butterflies are too pretty to be classified as bugs. All other flying insects are bees and will be repeatedly yelled at and told to “GO MAKE HONEY! GO NOW! BEE GO!”

3. ReallyYuckyUglyBugs — All other bugs fall in this category. I am constantly “removing” bugs from our house. Laylee says that if they’re nice bugs we can take them outside and reunite them with their families. If they’re strikingly unattractive really mean, they must die at the hand of los kleenexicos.

Today she was playing outside when she found a ReallyYuckyUglyBug.

Laylee: Mom! I found a ReallyYuckyUglyBug!
Me: Where is it?
Laylee: OUTSIDE!
Me: Okay.
Laylee: It’s right HERE.
Me: What do you want me to do about that?
Laylee: Just get it and take it away.
Me: Remember about bugs? Where did we say they live?
Laylee [looking at me like I’m a moron]: OUTSIDE.
Me: Exactly. Where do you want me to take it?
Laylee: Away.
Me: Outside is away. Do you want me to let it live inside our house instead?
Laylee: Yes.
Me: Where? In your bedroom?
Laylee: No. In the TRASH!

Yes, I see. And once I’ve finished the ethnic cleansing of our backyard, would you like to help me develop a plan for world domination?

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