At Some Point Everyone Needs to Come Clean

There is really never a good time to clean the dining room floor or change my clothes or shower. There’s always another meal-tastrophy on the way, another boogie to be wiped on my shirt or another workout to be done.

If I clean the floor after breakfast, it will be filthy again by snack time so I should wait until after snack… and after lunch… and after dinner… but the kids will probably want breakfast tomorrow (jerks!) so what’s the point?

Lately I’ve been focusing a lot on exercise, cardio every day and strength training a few times a week. When I come home from the cardio workout, the kids are often up and needing me and it’s too late to shower. So I plan to do it during naps but if I don’t get my weights in, then I don’t want to shower if I’m just gonna get sweaty again but then it’s bedtime and why shower if I’m about to get up and workout? Blech!

I do shower regularly but the timing is tricky and I always look like a Sweaty McGreasy-head. I also can’t keep a shirt clean for more than 30 minutes. I should carry a stopwatch and my internet phone around and live-blog how long it takes for my shirt to get dirty. That’s bound to land me a book deal… of some kind. (Chicken Slop for the Spastic Mother’s Dirty Shirt? — Catchy, no?)

This morning Dan told me Magoo had woken up with a crazy-bad diaper so he’d had to hose him off riot-patrol style in the shower. Magoo’s grown accustomed to this, gets in the tub, grabs onto the towel bar, yells “SPREAD” and plants his feet insanely far apart with his back to the shower-head wielder. If he’s done the crime, he will serve his time with dignity and military precision.

Me: Did you have a yucky diaper this morning?
Magoo: Yess!
Me: Did Daddy spray you in the tubby?
Magoo: Yess!
Me: Are you all clean?
Magoo: No!
Me: Do you have a clean bum?
Magoo: Yess!

And it’s true. The rest of him is never clean. It is in fact the opposite of clean. And the clean bum is a fleeting and ironic triumph. Why is he only clean in places no one can see? Dirt and slime billow around him in a Pig-Pen-esque cloud and besmudge everything in a 30 yard blast radius. What was that? You’ve never seen slime billow? You should get out more. Probably with a 2-year-old.

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