So Help Me I’m Ready to Toss Everything

It is hot and I want to throw things. Every possession in my house seems to be radiating heat and I feel that most of it must go, mostly the parts that belong to the children.

I am sticky and ooey and gooey and hot. I can’t sleep, I can’t stop whining, and there is no way to get as naked as I want to be and still get the grocery shopping done. This is the only time of year that I envy Magoo’s freedom to sport a dashing onesie in public.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that Seattle is no hotbed of summer boilery but since 90 degrees is considered a heat wave here, there is also no infrastructure for the cooling, no air conditioning, no swamp cooler, no bathtub full of ice to spend the day in. I do have an industrial fan which blows the hot air around in a way that almost tricks me into believing it’s only EIGHTY-five degrees in here. The only problem is that it’s so bleeping loud that I have to turn it off every few minutes so I can hear myself think.

When it’s off all I can think about is how hot I am, how hot Dan is (HOT DAN!), and how much I want to throw all of my children’s belongings away while they sleep. I’m fractious people, fractious and antsy.

This house is full of things, things that need to be put away and things that should never be put away unless “away” is in a waste receptacle or happy meal box. Then the happy meal box should be put in a waste receptacle. There are toys the kids have never played with, loud toys the kids have played with so much that my ear wack is vibrating, toys with a million small pieces spread equidistant from each other in every cranny of the estate, toys that make Laylee do things she knows she’s not allowed to, and toys that are just butt ugly. I hate butt ugly toys… and sweat.

I hate sweat, which makes me more angry at the toys. I really believe that they’re sucking the cool from the air and replacing it with not-cool. I want to pull every toy and puzzle piece out of every room, closet and kitchen cupboard, throw them into the living room until they’re waist-high, let the kids pick 3 toys each and give the rest to Good Will.

Next I’ll throw away polyester, Tupperware containers with no lids, clothes that don’t fit humans (dolls prefer to be naked anyway), my New Kids on the Block cassette tape, cables and cords not currently connected to a working electronic device, and anything green that’s too weak to defend itself. Maybe purple too, but only if it isn’t gold-trimmed.

(Okay. For real I was kidding about NKOTB. But dude, everything else goes.)

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