Attention Costco Stalkers

I know what you’re doing. I’ve done it myself… repeatedly. The thing is — I’m much better at it than you are. If I were currently stalking someone for their Costco parking spot, I would not choose the mother with two small children pushing a cart overflowing with groceries. I would choose the man in the track outfit carrying the single case of rocket-propelled fitness water on his left bicep.

The mother with two small children pushing a cart of overflowing groceries will need to drive the cart very slowly over every single little yellow speed bump so her children’s brains will rattle around with glee. She will swerve from side to side across the parking lot so as to catch every rain puddle with her cart wheels. At some point her male child will casually toss one or more asphalt-colored shoes overboard onto the asphalt. She will then need to backtrack and look for it. When she finally makes it to her van, she will need to unload both kids from the cart where their knees will have become semi-permanently lodged. She will yank and pull from several different angles to free them.
Then she will load them into the car, buckle all 5 points of their harnesses, check the buckles, load all 50 boxes of groceries into the back of the car and then return her cart to the cart return because she’s a good citizen like that.

In this time, you would have been able to steal track guy’s parking spot, eat a chicken bake and a very berry sundae, do all of your shopping, try every free sample in the store and read half of Oprah’s latest book club selection in line. As it is, you chose to drive slowly behind the mother of 2 until she reached her parking spot and then sit with your blinker on for 10 minutes. I would have gone with track guy.

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