Stick a Forks in It

As we drove along the highway to Port Angeles, I had a few minutes to think about my hideous appearance. My fair, pale, milky complexion stared back at me in the rear view mirror. It’s true I have the face of a goddess but not like one of the REALLY beautiful goddesses. I could not understand why all males everywhere were drawn to my so-called “stunning beauty.” What a joke! With silky dark jet-black hair like mine paired with my delicate features and striking pale translucent ivory skin, some days it was hard just to get out of bed in the morning and take the paper bag off my head.

Not long into the journey I realized I had imprinted on Eve’s baby, a strange thing for a human to do but the connection was so strong, the cuteness too much for a mortal to handle without freaking out and laying claim and stuff.

Luckily the baby liked me despite my pitifully weak, willowy, waif-like frame and the hideous way the sun shone off the highlights in my lustrous mane of long black tresses. I wondered how long it would be until she grew up and realized how worthless and butt-ugly I was.

We got settled into our cozy hotel room and staked out our spots in the lobby for the late night read-a-thon. In anticipation of our arrival and in an attempt to save the planet, the hotel manager followed a couple of vegetarian vampires around for a few days gathering the wrappers from their fallen animal blood receptacles and sewing them into stylish and practical furniture covers.

We drove by the Swan house and apparently Charlie’s expecting grandchildren because there was a play structure and basketball hoop out front. It was nice to see that his brain could muster up enough power to expect anything more than a bowl of pork rinds and the schedule from the TV Guide.

Dr. Cullen’s parking spot at the hospital reminded me that the vampires will need to be on the move soon lest anyone notice that they haven’t aged since arriving in Forks. I wonder if rainy podunk towns around the world are lobbying Ms. Meyer to relocate the vampires there, relying on an endless stream of tweens and housewives to kick-start their non-existent economies.


For the most part the people of Forks seemed to humor us with a slightly weary look that said, I’ll play along if you keep paying for my kids’ orthodonture. However it was almost too hard for the young cashier at one local store to keep a straight face with a customer who was going on and on about how cute the high school was and how glad she was that they had Forks High School post cards for sale. I smiled at the girl when it was my turn to pay and said, “I’m sure it was such a privilege to actually GO there. OHMYGOSH, that must have been awesome!”

She smiled and rolled her eyes. “Oh yes, it was the best thing ever.”

For my trip souvenir, I picked up a pair of Sketchers. They don’t say Forks on them or have fang marks but I will wear them and subtly think of the glory days when I traveled several hours with 10 women and a baby to buy a book that was available in 20 stores within a 10 mile radius of my home.

We had a blast. There was really something magical about being there to read it, about being in the actual bookstore that Bella walked past in Port Angeles, about eating what she ate while Edward looked passionately into her eyes at the Italian restaurant, you know, if she were like… a real person or something. (Thanks to Fawn for knowing any of this stuff so we could experience a taste of the forbidden teenage vampiric love affair that is the Twilight series.)

I read until 5:30 am after getting the book at midnight, slept for a couple of hours and was awoken by Eve’s baby (my imprintee) who reminded me with her piteous wails that I had reading to do. I finished later that weekend and I really enjoyed it, except for that one character name… and the last chapter…

The End… or is it…