Today I Was a Mom

I was a mom pretty much all day today. Here is my report:

I cruelly forced someone to wear pants outside in 40-degree weather.

I cut peanut-butter sandwiches in the shape of dinosaurs and delivered them to an alfresco restaurant-for-2 at the end of our driveway.

I danced like a lunatic while driving in my car. My passengers said I was good. I chose to believe them.

I changed shirts twice but never showered.

I calmly explained AGAIN why people under the age of 30 should never use permanent markers… ever.

I threw away 3 packs of wipes that had been left open and dried out completely. Yes. I heard the earth and Sheryl Crow scream out in pain and betrayal.

I received a visitor while sitting upon the throne who proceeded to hug and cuddle me tenderly while I peed… just because of love.

When they asked “Why,” I answered. All day long.

I held a large child like a baby while he cried and showed me his bonk. Twice.

I giggled on the escalator while holding hands with a boy and agreed that it was “JUST LIKE A RIDE!”

I tried to play a girly ballad on the car stereo but was told, “That song’s scary!” “No it’s not,” I retorted. He responded, “It’s not scary to YOU, but it’s scary to ME.” I navigated my Zune back to Eye of the Tiger.

I sat out on the front porch to sort the mail so they could keep playing outside until it was All the Way Dark.

When asked to squeeze the ketchup in the shape of a dinosaur, I did my best but was informed that it looked more like an AT-AT.

I purchased the socks with the grey bottoms even though they cost 50 cents more because they help him run so much faster.

After 3 hours of hard work, I unearthed a parking spot in our garage and put my car in it, only to be scared and confused when I went to leave for a meeting and found that the car was “missing” from the driveway.

I sat in a meeting full of other moms, animatedly discussing ways of extorting money from friends and family to support education. An award called a “Golden Acorn,” professional jump-ropers, and nominating people to be on a committee to nominate people were all discussed at the meeting as well.

I picked up two slugs with my bare hands and threw them to freedom so the children’s squealing would stop. One was on a rubber ball. One was on my living room carpet. They felt like congealed slime… because they were.

Upon request I composed two original songs, one called, “Hooky Joojie” and the other called, “Mommy, the Laylee’s Mommy,” sung to the tune of Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer.

I heard two people pray about how much they loved me.

Today I was a mom. It’s not a bad gig.