Over the past 6 years I’ve periodically made attempts to regain some of my lost pride but it’s hard when you live with people who can’t BELIEVE there’s not a baby in your tummy because it’s SO big, who use you as a human tissue, and who pray to Heavenly Father that he will help them please be on time for school tomorrow. Laylee knows I’ve shown myself incapable of regular punctuality so she likes to call for backup.

This morning on the way to school, I noticed I hadn’t even run a comb through her hair. This is absolutely unacceptable in my opinion, especially since she gets to pick her own clothes. I need the teacher to see one sign that she is not being physically neglected at home. So I pulled over to the side of the road and tried to do a quick fix with the only tools I had, a comb and a bobby pin. Without tangle spray or local anesthetic it’s nearly impossible to straighten Laylee’s bird’s nest without shrieks of agony so I “smoothed it over,” told her I’d done the best I could but it wasn’t great and got back into the drivers’ seat of the car.

“It’s okay,” Laylee replied. “Being on time is way more important than just looking nice anyway.” As she said this, I wondered if she was as aware as I was of my unshowered, unbrushed hair or the near-pajamas I was wearing. I could have been the poster child for “Looking Nice Isn’t That Important Anyway.” Then there was the reminder that being on time was more crucial than looks and that I’d let her down so many times in the past.

Kids will let you know what they think of you. Frequently their words are filled with love and often with that love comes brutally honest assessments of your worst traits, your biggest insecurities. Even their criticisms usually aren’t malicious at this age. They just stem from curiosity, fascination or just plain lack of social skills but they can still hurt or at least bump your pride down a notch.

Lately the kids have been using “humor” to share how they see the world, their favorite being the knock-knock joke that’s really a why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road joke in disguise.

Both of these gems came up at dinner last night to much raucous laughter.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Why did the mommy cross the road?
I don’t know. Why?
To go shopping.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Why did the mommy cross the road?
I don’t know. Why?
To pick up her prescription

Nice. So this “mom” person is a materialistic shopaholic who NEEDS HER MEDS? I see why that’s funny. Almost.

Then driving to school yesterday, Magoo pointed out the window at a woman walking along the sidewalk and asked, “Mom? What name is that lady?”

“I’m not sure,” I replied.

“Oh. Oops,” he said. “That’s no lady. She’s just a MOM!”

AAAHHHHH! And yet. I love this job so much it hurts sometimes. What would I do without these kids? Besides be more of a “lady,” that is?

Somebody needs to hit the imperial gym in a big way. Seeing as he’s a clone, we KNOW it’s not genetic obesity. I think this is a quality “before” picture for when he makes his debut on that one Loser show.

He seems so much more jolly than the typical storm trooper. Kind of like Al Roker before the weight loss surgery.

To that his friend said, “Oh. I don’t think I have a library card.”

“What?! You don’t have a library card?!!

You gotta have a library card!

You can use a library card for anything.

If you don’t have a library card, you *&!?%# SUCK!”

His friends just stood there, semi-dumbstruck by his rabidly loyal defense of one of our country’s most beloved public institutions. Maybe he changed their minds. Maybe one or all of them went out to get library cards the next day.

Whatever happened, I think his diatribe should be put on a poster in an elementary school somewhere with a smiling portrait of Raven-Symoné, holding a copy of Stuart Little.

Laylee: Mom. Look what Joseph made me.
Me: Wow. That’s really friendly.
Laylee (dreamily): I’ve been thinking about it all night and I think I’m in love with him.
Me: Hmmm. That’s nice.
Laylee: I’m pretty sure he’s the man I’m going to marry.
Me: Well, you’ve got a long time before you have to decide that.
Laylee: I’m pretty sure.

So I think the conversation is over but after we get home, she approaches me with that same dreamy spaced-out look and says, “Mom, I’ve decided. The next time I see Joseph, I’m going to kiss him on the lips.”

So here I start fumbling, picturing the fiasco if she really does attempt a predatory make-out session during recess or at church, “You know, kissing on the lips is kind of a thing for big people to do.”

Upon hearing this, Magoo piped up, “I will kiss you.” And walked over and gave me a big kiss on the lips. Great timing Bud. Way to help me prove my point.

So again we hear from Laylee, “I just can’t imagine falling in love with anyone else.”

Ah me. Young love. I have several journals filled with such nonsense so it shouldn’t freak me out too badly. However I’m pretty sure I didn’t start that young. I know I was at least old enough to write by myself before I considered stealing the lip virtue of any young gentleman friend.

Later that night when I was standing in the glare of a squad car spotlight trying to explain that I didn’t know fireworks were illegal in our town on New Year’s Eve, my head was filled with visions of a special lock-down for romantically-advanced little girls. It looked something like a super-sized life pod, with a lock on the outside and plenty of face time with mama. It looked something like our house, actually.

There may not be a charge for it but there’s certainly a payoff. I note down all awesomeness in my special Book of Awesomeness and it will all be rewarded most generously.

So, the snow. The snow is deep and bounteous. We live in a suburb of Seattle, a suburb that is apparently a vortex of weather magnification. If Seattle gets 3 inches, we get 10. If Seattle has a lot of rain, we get a flood. I don’t even want to know what happens to us when Seattle eventually gets its earthquake. Perhaps we’ll get the fast elevator down to the core of the earth where Jules Verne and all the cave people live. Perhaps I’ll be made a queen there.

Our city is really hilly and I think the county has 1.5 working snow plows which refuse to come down our street because it’s too steep. USPS, UPS and FedEx all agree as does Waste Management. We’re going on our third week with no trash pickup and it’s been over a week since any mail was delivered. Today I walked the kids to a play date through snow that was well above my knees in places. Yes. They cried. Many of tears. After about 2 hours of work on the second or third day of snow, we were able to get one of our cars to the top of our hill but have been too scared to drive anywhere. Apparently the tire chains we’ve so proudly carried with us on winter mountain journeys for the last several years do not fit either of our cars. At all. We sort of assumed they were one size fits all. They are not.

The major road that connects us with the shops and services in town has been closed for several days so when I went to town on Tuesday to pick up some groceries and mail some Ebay packages that just happened to sell right in the middle of the biggest snow event we’ve had in the past 6 years, I had to get creative. Stephanie and I loaded our packages in the laundry basket my kids had been using as a sled, hooked up a bungee cord and pulled them the half mile down the hill into town. About halfway down we met up with some teenagers snowboarding who suggested that we take the packages out of the basket and ride down.

Who am I to say no to a bunch of hooligans with blurred-out faces snowboarding down a major automotive throughway?

After the post office, we had lunch at a favorite little Thai restaurant. The owner asked us if we’d been in before and when we said we had, she squinted up her eyes, crossed her arms and said, “Hmph. I never see you before…” Apparently she had her doubts but she made us some yummy food that I did not have to cook within the ever shrinking 4 walls of my snow fortress, so I forgave her for the suspicious interrogation.

At lunch I told Stephanie that there was something kind of fun in all the cold and cabin fever and lack of Christmas packages arriving. I told her about how my sisters and I would pretend we were Laura Ingalls Wilder and her posse and that we were freezing in the wilderness. It wasn’t hard since I grew up in Canada and all winter long we were one tragic misstep away from actually freezing in the wilderness. We called the game Freezing in the Wilderness due to its aforementioned subject matter. Stephanie shook her head and laughed at me just a bit. Apparently she did not engage in that type of play.

We stopped at the grocery store for rations, loaded up our laundry basket sled and headed home. About halfway up the steep hill, we noticed a large burly man walking directly towards us. He was well over 6-feet tall with a bushy mustache and wasn’t veering to the side. Neither were we. It was strange, this chicken-like approach in the snowy deserted street. After a few moments a truck drove by, heading down the hill, having bypassed the Road Closure signs. The large man stopped walking a few feet in front of Stephanie and me with a perturbed look on his face.

“Great!” he exclaimed, “That truck just ruined my Laura Ingalls Wilder moment. Here I was walking through this peaceful snowy landscape and that guy has to drive by.”

I just stared at him as he continued on. So it’s not just little Canadian girls who play that game in their bunk beds on winter nights. Good to know I’m not alone.

Then after her letter to Santa, she said she still had more things she wanted, well one more thing, and she wanted me to write it on a wish list for her. I asked her to tell it to me and I’d write it down later. She asked me to sit down and brought a pen and paper. She said, “I know I probably won’t get this but I just thought I’d ask so please write it down just the way I say.” So I did. Here goes:

Laylee’s Wishlist

Item #1 – “A square without a bottom of wood and I want to put it over my bed and I want there to be a door or stairs and I want a light in it so I can wake up by myself and I want it painted brown and if you want you can put a triangle on the top for a roof. I want the roof, if you do a roof, to be painted blonde. And I want there to be a TV and I just want movies on it and no antennas. And I want it to have windows and I want it to be soundproof from Magoo waking me up. And I want it to have a heater in there that’s as easy as it can possibly be for me to turn it on and off. And I want there to be a hole for the cord to go through and that’s the whole message. And I want it to be lockable so Magoo can’t come in and make noise in my ears. And I said I want art stuff in there, right? Because I want it to have art stuff.”

So yeah. I’ll talk to Dan about that one, or Santa, or Glenda the Good Witch or somebody because I’ve personally decided not to build my 5-year-old her own functional soundproof, fully-loaded, bed-topper mini-mansion bunker for Christmas. (Dan calls it a “life pod”.) Maybe one of those other people will have more mercy. I’m doubting that person will be Dan.

However, I will cherish that wish list for as long as we both shall live.

Each day of December has a pocket and each pocket has a little card with an activity on it. Some are pretty elaborate and some are simple, thus allowing me to retain what sanity I have left. Here’s a list of some ideas if you plan to make one yourself:

Write a letter to Santa
Church Christmas party
Read Christmas stories
City tree-lighting ceremony
Shop for a giving-tree stranger
Choose a Christmas tree
Decorate the Christmas tree
Random acts of kindness day
Get picture taken with Santa

Celebrate mom’s birthday
Farmer’s market craft fair
Make a wreath
Go roller skating
Bake cookies
Make treats for friends
Sleep around the tree

Wrap presents
Visit Snowflake Lane
Mail packages
Deliver treats to friends
Drive around and look at lights
Make kits for the homeless
School holiday begins
School holiday sing-along
Go sledding
Church devotional
Visit a live nativity
Go ice skating
Turn on all the Christmas lights and candles
Sing Christmas songs
Watch a Christmas movie
Read THE Christmas story (always on Christmas Eve)

I set everything up at the beginning of the month but reserve the right to move things around as I see fit. The kids pull out the cards each day to see what we’ll be doing and they really look forward to it. It doesn’t take much to make every day of December feel Christmassy.

So are you done? If not and even if you are, I’m gonna give you a few gift ideas. Some I have purchased. Some I plan to purchase. Some I wish someone would purchase for me. Enjoy.

Flip Notes

These little notebooks are nearly perfect. They’re cute and housed in a stylish little metal cover that protects the refillable notepaper inside. The pen holds them closed but when you pull it out, a little spring pops the book open. They come in tons of colors, for all the big boys and girls on your list. I love mine and have given several of them as gifts this year.

Mini Maglites
These mini-mini Maglights caught my eye when a friend’s baby was playing with one in church. They use 2 AAA batteries so they’re lighter than the regular mini-Mag but more powerful than the teeny pocket mag. I think they’re small and light enough to fit nicely in a purse, making them a great gift for your lady friends.

Wooden Legos – AKA “Interlocking Blocks”
I love so many things from Nova Natural but these may be my favorite new toy. I love them because they’re so versatile. The kids make the most amazing things with them, my favorite ever being a series of replicas of battleships from Star Wars with the darkest wood block taking on the role of “Dark Vader”.


Man Cards
These cards are made by a small company who wanted to provide a note card a thoughtful guy wouldn’t feel wimpish using. This has been a problem in our house. Dan will want to write a thank you note and all I have are these sissy girly cards he wouldn’t deign to touch. So I was glad when they sent me a sample for review. I liked them quite a bit but the real test came when Dan needed to write a thank-you card recently and he asked, “Hey, can I use one of those, um, Man Cards you got in the mail.” I’d call that a success.

Inchbug Labels
These are the best for kids. We’ve switched our water bottles over to Sigg and other stainless steel bottles and I hate to write the kids’ names on them with marker but also hate the idea of losing one or getting theirs mixed up with a friends. So when I saw a friend using these at a preschool field trip, I flipped out and ordered them almost immediately. They’re a flexible rubber band with your kid’s name engraved on them to keep track of sippy cups, water bottles and cups in general. You can use them at school, on cups at parties or if you’re Magoo, you can wear them all around the house as bracelets so your mother can never find them when she needs them.

Original Jewelry
I got my mother some of these last year and she loved them. The artist fashions his creations from old silverware. They’re one of the most beautiful forms of recycling I’ve ever seen.

Gingerbread T-Shirt

I love this gingerbread T-shirt from Target. It’s cheap. It’s cute. What more could you want?

This is Me Journal
A while back I reviewed this kids journal and just had to give it one last shout out. It’s wonderful and when the fill it out, it’s a treasure. I think every kid should have one of these… every year.

Magnetic Poetry
I think ever college dorm I ever lived in had these little babies hanging on the fridge, mostly the Shakespeare set. We were English snobs like that. Now that I’m a grown-up mommy, I’m really excited about the First Words version of Magnetic Poetry. I bought it for Laylee to practice reading and writing new and exciting sentences but I think Dan and I have used the set more.


Trader Joes Soaps
Trader Joes has these amazing soaps for a little over $3 a piece. They smell yummy, give a great lather, are completely natural and non-toxic and both my parents mentioned to me separately how much they liked them when they were staying with me recently. Let me repeat. My dad came up to me and commented on how much he liked these soaps. Yeah. They’re that good. Oh, they’re not available online.

Purses from Endless.com
If you’re completely stuck for something to get her (or yourself), rushed for time and loaded with money, go to Endless.com and get her a nice new handbag. The selection is enormous and there’s always free overnight shipping so you can get what you want fast.

Zen Alarm Clock
I read about this clock in Sophie Uliano’s book, Gorgeously Green and I’ve become somewhat obsessed with the idea of waking to the gentle sound of a Tibetan bell chiming. Listen to the description from their website:

“The Zen Alarm Clock’s long-resonating Tibetan bell-like chime makes waking up a beautiful experience — its progressive chimes begin your day with grace. When the Clock’s alarm is triggered, the acoustic chime bar is struck just once … 3-1/2 minutes later it strikes again … chime strikes become more frequent over 10 minutes … eventually striking every 5 seconds until shut off (see the chime progression graph, below). As they become more frequent, the gentle chimes will always wake you up — your body really doesn’t need to be awakened harshly, with a Zen Clock you’re awakened more gradually and thus more naturally.”

On the site, you can listen to the chimes and pick the tone that’s most pleasing to you. Aaaahhhhh. When next I have a spare $120 lying around, I’m buying myself the digital E Tone model in walnut.

Have you any good gift ideas to share?