Leading the Witness

My sister Meg recently came to town for a whirlwind trip of throwing fish, photographing tulips until our cameras begged for mercy and spoiling of the niece and nephew.

nantiemeg2One night we were driving around town listening to Delilah on the radio. Now I’ve talked before about the like/mild annoyance relationship I have with her. On the one hand I think “Who is SHE to solve everyone’s problems and choose songs for them? What an emotionally manipulative cheese ball!” On the other hand I often find myself crying when I listen to her and thinking, “I can’t believe I’m crying but that totally obvious bit of fortune-cookie wisdom was the most beautiful thing I’ve heard all night. Waaahhhhh.”

So I listen and roll my eyes and periodically decide to secretly take her fabulously benign advice and change my life forever. That said, I have never been even remotely tempted to call in to her show… until now.

Meg and I started talking and our feelings towards Delilah must be genetic because they are nearly identical. We would laugh and alternately pause, eyebrows furrowed, nodding slowly, “Yeah… man… she’s really got a point with that one. (wiping away an almost real tear) I should totally, like, go for it and hold on to the people I love because I, like, totally love them and seize the day and stuff.”

At some point, we got to joking about how she leads people to say things that fit in with the songs she already has cued up so she can whip out The Most Perfect Song Ever!

Delilah: She sounds like a WONderful woman.

Bobby: Yeah. Dude.

Delilah: But things weren’t always easy, were they Bobby? Sometimes it must have been chilly for her to stand there supporting you from behind while you received all the praise, never feeling the warmth of the sun of success on her own visage.

Bobby: Yeah. Dude.

Delilah: Would you say that she has been somewhat of an upward force in your life, pushing you to greater heights?

Bobby [noticeably moved]: Yeah. Dude.

Delilah: What a gift in your life Bobby! Is she sort of like a blast of air under your outstretched limbs, helping you to soar and achieve more than you ever thought possible?

Bobby: I hadn’t thought about it that way before but, like, totally.

Delilah: Okay Bobby. I’m gonna find the perfect song for you and your mom.

Cue: Wind Beneath My Wings

That’s leading the witness!

So I dared Megan to call into the show and lead Delilah to dedicate a specific song to me without ever mentioning the name of the song. Our choice was Because you Loved Me by Celine Dion, a song I’m sure Delilah never leaves home without. Here is our plan:

Meg: Thanks for taking my call Delilah. I totally love your show (this is true abooouuut 40% of the time.).

Delilah: Who do you love tonight Meg?

Meg: Well, actually I’m calling in about my sister Kathryn.

Delilah: Why is Kathryn so special that you felt the need to get on the ol’ phone tonight and tell the world about it?

Meg: Well, we recently lost our pet hamster Chippy to a stroke. I was a total wreck, no strength left and she was able to be there and be strong for me when I wasn’t able to.

Delilah: Oh. Don’t we just love our little animals? Chippy sounds like a really special little guy too. Would you refer to him as a type of “hero” in your life?

Meg: Of course but let’s get back to Kathryn. Besides her strength, she’s also a great orator. Sometimes I was so sad, I couldn’t even get words to come out of my mouth so I would make rudimentary signs and she would interpret for me.

Delilah: She was like your voice?

Meg: Exactly.

Delilah: When you couldn’t even speak?

Meg: Right-o. I also have really bad night blindness and when I’m driving around town, she will sit beside me and tell me about hazards in the road so I can avoid them and not get into any accidents.

Delilah: That doesn’t sound very safe but I’m so glad you have someone to be your eyes out there on the road. Buckle up, K?

Meg: Always Delilah. I’m writing this down. Anyway, even when I was a complete punk to her and treated everyone like dirt, she would still compliment me on my cute lip gloss or just find anything that was good about me to love.

Delilah: I’m sure there are many wonderful things about you Meg. You have such a loving heart to even call in and do this special special thing for your sister. I think she’d be very proud of you right now.

Meg: She is proud and tall. I’m only 4’6” tall and when I need to reach a can from a high shelf in the pantry, she will actually pick me up so I can get to it. She just really believes in me and I just don’t know who I’d be without her love. I really think I am who I am today because of how much she cares about me.

Delilah: Meg, I’m gonna think of a perfect song for you and your sister to listen to tonight as she’s lifting you up to get a glass from the cupboard. Remember to have your future pets spayed or neutered and have a wonderful evening.

If Meg successfully keeps a straight face and we are victorious, we’ll move up to level 2 of the operation. It’ll be my turn to call in and convince her to play Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer as a dedication for Dan.

Me: My husband really loves to work on projects around the house. He’ll just stop everything he’s doing when I need him to hang up a picture and get out his hammer and spend time helping me. I just want to hug him so tight and say thank you but he has a major aversion to human contact. He’s an amazing man but I really can’t touch him at all.

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